My new hero...

Colonel Miles Quaritch - Slaughter the indigenous people...have a nice cup of Earl Grey.

Birdsong

By Sebastian Faulks. Reading this on Armistice Day seems all the more appropriate.

Show some respect today.

Been A While

Wow, so I haven't blogged in ages. My last post was back in Feb!

Not really sure why I've been so quiet, maybe because I've just not had that much to say. Maybe I just assume no one is really interested unless I'm doing something croosh or original. Either way, a few pretty huge things went down since then.

Myself and my wonderful girlfriend Lottie split, and were then gloriously reunited a month later after we both realised what we were missing. It was cool, I guess it was one of those times where we broke up, but neither of us really knew why. It wasn't working at the time so we needed a break. But all is good now and hopefully she's as happy as I am.

Also, I went to California for 12 days to visit the Sis. Had a completely awesomely amazing time, and would literally move out there tomorrow if I had a job to go to. San Francisco is just the most fantastic city in the world. There's so much fun stuff to do, and thanks again to my boys Manuel and Anthony for giving me a sweet tour of stuff I would never normally have seen, such as the excellent Sutro Bath ruins (see below):



I will upload the rest of my piccies to FLICKR in a later post.

Those were probably the two main notable occurances in the last few weeks. Still at the same boring job, still living way out in Brentford (although hopefully moving further into town soon sometime this year).

So there you have it, for those who are interested, Tobes update! By the way, the handsome hound below is Jameson, I met him on a day out in Oakland. Just wish he was slim enough to fit in my suitcase.


Much love.

Amazing Chinese Performance Art

I couldn't help but be amazed by the performance art of Hong Kong's Li Wei.

It is produced quite simply by steel wires that are later photoshopped out. Simple yet effective.

View the full set here.

Love A Day Off

Back to the subject of the snow, I finally uploaded some piccy's from my flat on that wonderful snowy morning.

It just goes to show how torrential it was, that foot hole I made at 6.30am was pretty much full again by the afternoon.

I spent most of the day in bed watching Sopranos. What a Monday!

Advert Rant Vol. 1

I have a sneaking suspicion that with the heady mixture of my line of work and my general scorn and cynicism that this rant will not be my last on the riveting world of advertising.

Everywhere we go we're bombarded. Taking the tube or reading a paper is akin to storming the Normandy beaches of consumerism, dodging the promotional machine gun of P.R. and branding.

And that is pretty much how I want it to be at the moment, it means I'm doing my job properly. However, just because advertising is my current occupation, does not necessarily mean I enjoy adverts.

Sure, we all enjoyed that corker of a T Mobile campaign with the dancing at Liverpool St, and I must admit to regularly guffawing at the completely ridiculous Natural Sweet Co 'Bring on the Trumpets' ad. But it seems for every couple of entertaining campaigns, there is a myriad of complete and utter crap.

I often find myself ranting about ads at work, purely because they are inescapable. Whether it be those two frightfully ugly children in the Cadbury's 'Eyebrows' ad or that infernal Barry Scott bellowing at the top of his lungs the merits of Cilit Bang and how it can make your pennies squeaky clean.

This week, my number one rant victim is Norwich Union. I must admit I rather enjoyed the Aviva campaign with the likes of Bruce Willis and Alice Cooper, but this 'Happy' character really gets my goat.

As I remember it, the 'Quote Me Happy' tagline from a couple of years back was based around customers phoning Norwich Union, saying "Quote me happy" to the disembodied voice on the telephone, then rolling about the place consumed with glee. Now, however, Happy has taken on the form of this faceless business tyrant holidaying in Scotland, rushing to London in record time, spurred on by a credit crisis and the fact that he may not get his bonus, and promising to make our car insurance cheaper.

Then, even worse, sat in a pub munching on cake with two expressionless douchebags discussing sharing rival companies' quotes, even if they are cheaper. Yes, we get it, everyone hates financial companies, so you have to rebuild trust in the populous, but at least get people who have facial expressions in your adverts.

So, my underlying question, who is this Happy character, and when did he magically transform from a simple slogan to an actual human?

Weekend Times

So, the weekend was enjoyable.

To be honest, the majority was spent either in the gym, baking cakes or on the comfy couch playing PS3.

Apart from Saturday, when Louise came round for movie related shenanigans. And I purchased this stunning piece of good taste:



What a beast!

And I decided Tropic Thunder has to be in my top 10 films of last year, for Kirk Lazarus alone. It goes something like this:

1. The Dark Knight
2. No Country For Old Men
3. There Will Be Blood
4. Rambo
5. The Mist
6. Step Brothers
7. In Bruges
8. Tropic Thunder
9. JCVD
10. City Of Men

Ok, ok, before you fly off the handle, I haven't seen Wall-E, Hunger or Changeling yet, and I'm still catching up on a lot of the foreign stuff from last year, like Jar City, Gomorrah and Waltz With Bashir, so don't hate, appreciate.

Pure hearts for these boys:

Snow Days

Well wasn't that fun!

That would have to rank as one of my all time greatest Monday mornings. Awoken at 6.30am as usual by the infernal whirring of my N95's alarm, I stagger to the study to check the status of the tube, only to receive the call I'd been hoping for:

Boss: 'Morning Toby'
Toby: 'Urgh'
Boss: 'What's happening with your transport today?'
Toby: 'Well, all buses are cancelled, and my nearest tube isn't running. I could possibly make it in, but it'll take me 2 hours plus'
Boss: 'Don't bother, I'm not going in either. See you tomorrow...Maybe'

WINNER!

Off went the trousers, off went the shirt, then I leapt enthusiastically back into bed while skillfully juggling a cup of Earl Grey, and fired up the Sopranos.



I have been getting to know Tony and the gang a fair bit recently. I realised I had completely bypassed the show, and I could not put my finger on why that had happened. Now I'm fully on the case, going through it all in one go. I'm halfway through Season 3 at the moment, and I can't help wishing I was one of Tony's captains. It appears to be a far better living than managing advertising.

Back to the subject of the snow. It all seemed to be rather a kerfuffle on the transport front. Was it entirely necessary to cancel ALL the buses? In response to the point made that buses even kept running during the Blitz, the head of London's buses responded that 'the Blitz wasn't covering all of London'. GOOD ONE. I would have thought large bombs and incendiary devices were slightly more dangerous than snow. Even if the Bosche were having a day off you still would be reluctant to chance it.

I really don't think, as a nation we dealt with it all THAT badly. Transport wise, it was a farce, however I don't think people should be blamed for taking a day off. If you can't travel, you can't travel! I'm becoming tired of the news repeatedly calling the UK 'soft' and scared of the cold. I'm not scared of the cold, I'm just not going to go to work if its an impossibility!

Anyway, it was back to the grindstone yesterday, and this was my view from the office.

Goooood afternoon Sir, I'm calling from your bank...

So I got this email on my Hotmail today. Testament to the power of Bill Gates' mail service, it was indeed confined to the dark recesses of my 'Junk Mail' folder. Well done Bill.

However, the question is, am I dead? This gentleman certainly seems to think so:


FROM THE DESK OF MR JOHN TONY
UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA PLC
INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND AGENCY
INTERNATIONAL OPERATION DEPT
VICTORIA ISLAND
LAGOS-NIGERIA .

RE-OUTSTANDING PAYMENT

Good day , this is to inform you of your Long overdue Payment outstanding our Banking records.
I saw your name in the Central Computer among list of unpaid inheritance claims individuals and have to update your informations through this email contact for immediate confirmation .
Your name appeared among the beneficiaries who will receive a part-payment of Nineteen Million
Euros (19,000,000.00 Euros and it has been approved already for payment months ago.
However we received an email from one Mr.Morris Thompson who told us that he is your next of kin and that you are died in a car accident last two months back .

He has also submitted his account informations to the office department for transfer of the fund to him as your inheritor. We are now verifying by contacting your email address as we have in our Bank records before we can make the transfer into his account and for us to conclude confirmation if you are dead or not.

Please , confirm response immediately before our action release of the outstanding paymentagainst your name listed out . Upon this, i request you send your full personal information as soon as possible to enable this department finalize the transfer of the fund release to your nominated foreign Bank Account.

This department needs the following informations from you urgently.

1.Full Names

2.Telephone Or Fax Number

3.Contact Address

4.Age

5.Occupation

6.Sex

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This E-Mail is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged,confidential and exempt from disclosure under
applicable law.

Once again, I apologize to you on behalf of International Monetary fund Agency towards this contact and proper confirmation required urgently from you if alive. Make sure you reply to my alternative mail address (john_tony@post.ro)

Thanks,
Yours Sincerly
MR JOHN TONY
PHONE NUMBER: +234-8026-542-072
john_tony@post.ro


If you wish to take this fraudulent piece of putrid filth's email address and virtually abuse him then be my guest.

Crunchy Credit

So, another day, another collection of financial woes in the newspapers. This is all getting rather out of hand isn't it?

I am starting to formulate a theory about this. Clearly the credit crunch (an expression I despise. Partly because it is similar to Captain Crunch, which is really nice American cereal you cannot get in England), recession, whatever you want to call it, is real and very much upon us. However, have you actually been affected greatly? Chances are you know someone who has fallen on hard times, but most people just seem to be getting by, cutting back and hoping for the best.

Reading the papers gives a slightly different impression. It feels like the apocalypse is upon us everytime I open those deceptive tomes, and we are all in a mire that we will never escape.

It is fast becoming clear to me that all these gigantic corporations are using this crisis as an unmissable opportunity to become more and more evil. Northern Rock is a fine example. Mere months after collapsing and requiring the Bank of England to bail them out, they are hitting targets and handing out bonuses like its going out of fashion. So, wait a second, your company is ruined, and you get lucky by having a poor mug like Gordon Brown save your worthless hide, then start paying your already large pocketed staff cheeky extras?

That, to me, is pissing in the face of the British public, particularly those who were so damaged by Northern Rock's collapse. The Government have still done nothing to punish these worthless, perma-tanned, grey haired, hooker beating, overweight bastards who put us all in this perilous situation in the first place. And the scariest fact is that they don't seem to be losing. They still swan about in Bentley's and live in Park Lane, only nowadays they can't quite afford the gold encrusted khazi, they'll have to plump for a porcelain one like all us other plebs.

Perhaps the greatest example I have seen of companies generally using the crisis to fuck people over is Warner Brothers. Don't get me wrong, I loved the Dark Knight as much as the next person, but they just let 1000 (yes that's 1000, 3 zero's) people go from their LA offices, due to them 'streamlining in order to maintain steady growth year on year'. This, translated from business bollocks, means that they have given their remaining workforce a massive increase in workload, with the excuse that 'they are lucky to have jobs in this current climate', while freeing up 1000 paycheques which will help the CEO get the 19 bedroom mansion, instead of the paltry 15. However, they get off scot-free and fear no repercussions. And why? Because its fine to sack people now, just blame it on the credit crunch. I mean fuck, it's not as if they're broke. According to IMDB, the Dark Knight is the 4th highest grossing film ever. That's EVER people. So they aren't short of cash are they?

I suppose we should be used to companies lying to us by now, but it still stings. Who knows if my theory is correct, but it does seem to become more and more apparent as the ones higher up start to panic about losing their upmarket lifestyles. Good luck to all of those in full time employment. Anyway, apologies if you sat through that massive rant, time to lighten the mood. Look at this dog!